I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
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