Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
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Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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