I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
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Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
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