I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
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He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
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Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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