the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
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he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
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I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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