I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
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How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
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You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Couch. On fire.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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