This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
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I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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