I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
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You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
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My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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