is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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