you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
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