Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
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The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
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Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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