Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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