On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
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I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
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I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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