could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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