I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize