Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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