i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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