dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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