i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
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We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
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I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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