This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
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thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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