Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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