Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
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5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
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What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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