sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize