my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
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Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
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U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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