my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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