So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
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I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
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Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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