i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
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I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
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Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
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