Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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