Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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