i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
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I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
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So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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