I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
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Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
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I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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