I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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