I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
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If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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