I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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