I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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