I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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