my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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