I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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