someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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