i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize