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I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
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