I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
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No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
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I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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