What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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