I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize