Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
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Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
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Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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