I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize