Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
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i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
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I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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