your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
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We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
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Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
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