It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
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My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
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I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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