just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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